Dealing With A Bad Relationship Coping Skills
Do you have a controlling spouse?
Let's face it, we all have a little bit of control issues when it comes to a relationship, but that is only natural. For instance, you may want to go out with friends, and your spouse says "well, if you really want to I guess that'll be ok". You know from the way they said it, that they really aren't comfortable with you going, but that they won't stop you. This is perfectly normal. At that point, you will decide how to proceed.
The bad relationship is when in that same instance, they say "yes, go ahead." So, you go, spend a few hours with friends, and when you come home your spouse is no where to be found. They won't answer their cell phone or text. They are literally unreachable. In extreme cases, they don't show up until the next morning. This is their "punishment" to you for even thinking about going out without them. That is NOT normal. That is extreme.
There are other ways to tell if your spouse is controlling in this situation as well. Let's say that again they tell you to go ahead and go out, only this time they follow you. You may not even notice it at first, and you may not even notice it at all the first time. This is another extreme case, but both of these instances happened to me, so I know exactly what it feels like. I also know exactly how to deal with it.
The very first reaction you have to have is "no reaction". I mean it. Don't even act like you noticed nor that you cared. The first rule of a controlling spouse is to "control" and that is "control of your feelings". So, if you do not give over the control of your feelings to them, they have learned a valuable lesson...that you will NOT put up with extreme cases of control, and that you will NOT give into their craziness.
Dealing with a bad realtionship can be done. In fact, if you really love your spouse, you actually help the situation and help yourself, AND help your spouse in return just by learning some coping skills. I have written a Book entitled "
How To Save Your Relationship 7 Skills To Cope And Enhance Your Life" in which I teach you some skills that we put into practice in the book that you can begin using immediately. This book is downloadable right now, and easy to read. I have included step by step instructions on how to deal with a controlling spouse, AND how you can turn your bad relationship into a good one and actually save it.
Here's cheering you on!
Karen Kay
http://www.ebook.relationshipcopingskills.com
I know you know what I am talking about. You are in the middle of the craziness. Bad relationships are like that "one bad apple" thing...they spoil the whole bunch. Your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend starts acting all emotional and crazy, you react to it. You take your bad mood to work with you. You take it out on the kids, and whoever else is around you, and bam! It starts a vicious circle that just keeps moving around and around.
Dealing with a bad relationship can be challenging, BUT it does not have to be the end of everything. Sometimes it just gets labeled "bad relationship" because of a few major incidents that can make you feel like the whole relationship is just plain bad!
First, look at your relationship as a whole. Think carefully, is it bad every day, and all the time? Of course not, but what percentage of the time would you seriously say you are dealing with a bad relationship?
Next, picture the good times, how were you acting? Then, think about the bad times, how were you acting? Chances are you were acting just like them because you were not acting you were dealing with their bad actions. You were RE-acting to them.
Here's the secret that you need in dealing with these instances. Do not give in to the craziness. Stop. Count to 100. Stop. Think. Think. Think. Do not give so much "importance" to how your loved on is acting. If you can even try to think of something fun and laugh a little. If you cannot, that's ok. When you are dealing with a bad relationship, you tend to put way too much importance on the "what's happening now", and it causes you to get emotional. For your peace of mind. Stop and step outside of the situation.
When you are dealing with a bad relationship, the secret is remaining calm and detached. Let go...just a little...just enough to keep your head on straight and be able to think without getting so emotional your rationality goes "out the window".
You can save your relationship by dealing the right way with the "bad" parts.
Here's cheering you on...
Karen Kay
7 Skills to Cope and Enhance Your Life
Every day we hear about someone else getting a divorce, or how bad a relationship is. Hearing about a wedding anniversary where the couple has been married for 40 years or more has become rare instead of the norm is was many years ago. Learning how to cope with a bad relationship and begin to enhance upon it can be the ultimate gift to yourself.
When we get so hurt, angry and frustrated we look for ways to get the pain to stop. Our first and immediate response will often times be to end the relationship. This is very hard because we have built a life with our partner that spiders out to others, such as kids, inlaws, parents and friendships. The pain actually causes more pain when we decide to end the relationship. There is a better way. How about if you could wipe out the resentment? Would you stay then? Do you still love them? Do you want the relationship to last?
New love can be exciting, but old love is even better because you are comfortable with your mate. It is comforting to have someone know you better than anyone else in the world. It is very, very lonely when we don't have that. It makes us feel cut off from the world. You can go shopping at an outdoor mall, a place that can really be lonely because there are friends together, families and a lot of couples walking around together shopping. This can actually be the loneliest place you will ever go by yourself when you are not in a relationship. Do you want to be there by yourself? This can add to your pain. This is just one example, but I believe you understand.
Does it seem like everytime you are in the same room with each other you and your spouse are fighting? Does your boyfriend seem to make you angry just by their irritated sigh they express as they walk past you? Are you ready for the fighting to stop, but you still love your partner and really don't want to let them go? There is a way to slow down and even almost stop the fighting.
First you have to find a quiet spot, somewhere that you can really think about it. Next, think back to when the fighting really started. Was there anything that seemed to trigger it. Try to dig down and think about what seems to be causing a lot of the fights. Don't just blame your spouse/boyfriend, try to see if you are partly to blame in this situation. Figuring out what the problem is can be half the battle of fixing it.
Next you have to be part of the solution. You may be thinking that its not your fault, and while that may be true, you must be the one to begin to heal the situation. If you don't, it will only get worse to the point of a final break up. If that's truly not what you want, then you simply must take action to prevent it. You must be the first one to stop fighting. What I mean by this is when you find yourself beginning one of your "knock down drag out fights", stop. Simply stop speaking. This will catch your partner off guard because its not normal to him.
When two people continue to push each other that hard, eventually someone will get "pushed over" so to speak. You will come to a point where you both simply quit talking altogether and the relationship will come to an end. You don't want that, so you must stop your part in the fighting right now. I'm not saying don't communicate. I am saying try to get your point across in a non-accusatory or non-combative way. For example, don't say "that was mean of you to make a mess in the kitchen and not clean up after yourself." Instead try this "would you mind putting your dishes in the dishwasher? I would help, but I really need to get to work. Thanks so much. See you tonight. Love you." And let it go. These are the battles that seem to really rage out of control. You don't want that to happen, and yet you do want to reward good behavior.
Being cognizant of the problem and finding ways to work on it, even when it doesn't feel like its your fault, is the beginning of a successful recovery from fight. For more helpful hints and coping skills, get my ebook at
http://www.isaverelationships.com/ for your journey to a happy life with the one you love. Good luck!
Playing It Cool....This may sound very strange to you, but one of the best ways to save a relationship is to not try. That's right, I said do not even try. Needy, begging people are just not attractive. Think back to a time when the situation was reveresed and the person kept after you. All you wanted was to be left alone. Right? Right! You betcha! But, when they stopped trying to call, after a few days you began to miss them. Maybe you saw something that you felt they would find funny, or something happened to you that you'd like to share and suddenly they weren't there to share it with.There's no magic formula of course, but in order to save your relationship, if you just play it cool and relax, you will see a huge change in your partner's reaction to you. There's a reason why "James Dean" was so attractive...he wasn't overly demonstrative or pushy. He just sat there looking studly and it drew you to him by the sheer power of his strength.
If you really want to save your relationship, then you much have willpower. Do not call her/him for several days. Let there be a "cooling off" period. Give them time to miss you and wonder about you. Saving your relationship can sometimes be as easy as a few days off. Then, when you do finally talk to them just suggest a nice lunch to visit, or a drink after work, but don't be overly enthusiastic about seeing them. Act more like you will be seeing an old friend that you haven't seen for a while...you believe it would be wonderful to just get together to chat about old times. This will take the pressure off, bring your relationship back to the lightheartedness you once felt. It gives your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend a chance to remember what it was like way back before the hurt feelings began.
You have ther power to save your relationship if you really want to. Just...chill....
How To Save Your Relationship 
There are so many arguments that start because one spouse or the other is always yelling at the other or putting them down, acting condescending. This type of behavior can destroy a relationship. The interesting thing about it, though is that this is something that can be changed if you want it to. It is not about trying to change thier behavior and getting them to stop. It is about simply changing your reaction to their constant spewing of poison.
Many people just give up and walk away from the relationship. You don't have to do that. This is one aspect of your relationship that you can have a part in changing and making it better. Here's what you do. Every single time your spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend) starts yelling at you and basically describing all the ways that you have ruined thier life, stop. Just listen. Do not respond other than to nod once in a while or say "uh huh". Simply do not engage. Remain calm. Do not take everything they are saying personally (I know its hard not to, but still do not), just simply listen. At some point you might throw in a "you may be right". The interesting thing about this statement is you are not telling them they are right, but you are validating thier feelings and telling them that you are listening.
You have heard this before, but it takes TWO people to fight. One cannot fight by themselves, so if you do not engage, eventually they will have to stop because they are the only ones fighting. If you will do this for even a whole week, you will start to notice a change. I am not telling you to be a "doormat", no one should take abuse, but I am telling you to relax, remain calm, and be part of the solution.
If you would like to take it a step further, do the complete opposite. It will surprise them. Do something nice for them. Not just once, every day. Make them coffee in the morning, or bring them a thoughtful gift (not expensive necessarily), just something that says, "I thought of you today," and bring it home from work for them. The point is you simply must do something to break the cycle. If you must get mad, do it later and when you are by yourself, but while you are in front of them, do not.
Good luck!
For a more in-depth training to save your relationship, check out
"How To Save Your Relationship 7 Skills to Cope and Enhance Your Life".
The Far-reaching Effects of A Bad RelationshipThe answer may not be as simple as you could hope for it to be. When you go through a really tough part of your relationship, you feel so much more than ever. Your emotions are constantly on the surface whether there is anger, resentment, sadness, tears, anything along those lines.
When that happens you find yourself not dealing with everyday issues very well either. You may yell at your kids for no reason, or you find yourself barking at a co-worker.As you can see, this is not good for anyone concerned.
A bad relationship can have far-reaching effects on all those around you. If you have children, you will see thier grades begin to drop and they might begin having problems at school. If you do not, you might see your co-workers begin to daily carry home your problems with them as your bad day becomes thier bad day and so one. The cycle is a vicious one that seems to not find a place to stop.
You continue to hang on for dear life because you are scared that if you do anything different you might lose them. Well guess what? You will lose them anyway if you do not do something right now. Fear cannot run your relationship, you must pick yourself, dust yourself off and do something about it.
"How To Save Your Relationship 7 Skills To Cope and Enhance Your Life" eBook is one way to help. Check out the website and read the introduction for free. Its time to end the pain and do somethings about it. Start now.
Do you live with a slob? It can be very annoying when you are constantly picking up after someone who makes messes. In fact, there are times you are sure they do it on purpose just to make you angry. I hear from all kinds of folks that women can be more messy than the men, which can sometimes surprise people.
What do you do when your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend refuses to clean up after themselves? As in any good relationship, you need to sit down an have a heart-to-heart talk about this. Tell them how it makes you feel when they just assume you will pick up after them. Explain calmly to them that you are committed to the relationship and you adore all thier great qualities that attracted them to you in the first place, but that you could really use thier help and cooperation on this issue. You should also ask them if there is a particular way in which they prefer to be reminded about when the house or apartment starts looking sloppy.
When one partner is very disorganized it can cause all sorts of fights in a relationship. In the end both will feel a lot of resentment, the messer because they feel "picked on" and the messee because they feel taken advantage of. This doesn't have to cause a huge problem. It can be settled through some one-on-one discussions. Maybe you could trade off tasks, for instance you will do all the cleaning if they will do all the laundry. This will only work if both of you agree and know what the expectations are.
Any relationship can work if both are willing to try and both of you really want it to work. If there are many other issues in your relationship that have caused a huge build up of pain and resentment, take a look at
http://www.isaverelationships.com/ and find your self some help. You will be glad you did.
What's Your Greatest Fear?Do you realize that fear drives many relationships? There is the fear of committment, the fear of being alone, the fear that he/she will be mad at me, the fear of abandonment and lonliness. How many times have you reacted to your spouse in a way that wasn't necessarily what you wanted to say or do, but you did or said it because you didn't want to upset them or cause a fight?I bet the answer to that question a lot! Many times you will naturally wish to avoid a fight so you do whatever you can to avoid that fight. Why do you do that? Fear. Relationship fears can paralyze us and keep us from growing in a relationship. The strange thing is that if you do that enough, you will in most likely end up with the thing you were most afraid of...being alone or lonely because you didn't speak up and deal the problem.First reactions to problems are either "fight" or "flight". The minority of people will fight, most people will just walk away because they don't wish to deal with it. There are times when walking away will be the best approach at the moment, but you need to come back and calmly discuss the issue. If you do not, it will fester and turn into resentment. The resentments grow and you end up with your biggest fear, but by then, it won't be such a fear because you will be tired of the frustration and resentment and glad for the separation.Don't let this happen to you. Discuss. Discuss. Discuss....men, you may not like that, but you must make yourself talk about it.If in fact the relationship has eroded to the pain, resentment and frustration level, be sure to check out this eBook. It can save your relationship and help you on your journey back to peace and harmony in your relationship. How to Save Your Relationship 7 Skills to Cope and Enhance Your Life
The Love Triangle of Aphrodite-Hephaestus-Adonis
Even the Goddess of Love and Beauty Aphrodite struggled with relationships. She was married to Hephaestus, the God of Technology and Craftsmanship, but she is notoriously linked to Adonis the god of vegetation whom she was the surrogate mother for and committed adultry with throughout his short life. The Greek Gods are thought of as myths, but my point here is that even stories from ancient Greece talk about relationship challenges. The story is not new, but it can be just as painful. The Greek Gods all have a colorful history and most are notorious for "sleeping around".
In our society today, we strive for perfection in our relationships. We struggle with animosity and judgements. How many times do we catch ourselves asking our wife or husband, "now WHY would you do that?" for whatever thing they had done. Think about that. Maybe your husband left all the cabinet doors open in the kitchen, or maybe they turned the TV show you were right in the middle of watching. Your first response is "why would you do that?" Then the fight ensues. There could be several reasons for thier rudeness. One could be they are mad at you and just want to "get your goat", but more than likely, they did not even realize they were doing it.
If this is the case, and they really didn't realize it, maybe a better response would be to talk to them kindly. Say, "excuse me, but did you realize I was right in the middle of watching this show?". Or, if they are leaving cabinet doors open, and of course you have company and they can see right into your cabinets, you might want to talk to them calmly about it. When we first jump to accusingly attacking with a rude "why would you do that?", we of course will get a snide remark back. Then the fight begins. The resentment build up, and the pain and frustration escalates. Is this really what you want? If you look at it honestly, they probably did not intend to upset you in the first place, so your response to thier rudeness is what drove the argument.
Sometimes taking a moment to look at intentions is a good way to curtail the argument and see a better response. For more coping skills, check out my eBook at
http://www.isaverelationships.com/. You will be so glad you did!
Remember Aphrodite, our beautiful Goddess of Love and Beauty, event kept the love alive throughout her affair. You can too.
http://www.squidoo.com/thedailygrind
7 Skills to Cope and Enhance Your Life
Every day we hear about someone else getting a divorce, or how bad a relationship is. Hearing about a wedding anniversary where the couple has been married for 40 years or more has become rare instead of the norm is was many years ago. Learning how to cope with a bad relationship and begin to enhance upon it can be the ultimate gift to yourself.
When we get so hurt, angry and frustrated we look for ways to get the pain to stop. Our first and immediate response will often times be to end the relationship. This is very hard because we have built a life with our partner that spiders out to others, such as kids, inlaws, parents and friendships. The pain actually causes more pain when we decide to end the relationship. There is a better way. How about if you could wipe out the resentment? Would you stay then? Do you still love them? Do you want the relationship to last?
New love can be exciting, but old love is even better because you are comfortable with your mate. It is comforting to have someone know you better than anyone else in the world. It is very, very lonely when we don't have that. It makes us feel cut off from the world. You can go shopping at an outdoor mall, a place that can really be lonely because there are friends together, families and a lot of couples walking around together shopping. This can actually be the loneliest place you will ever go by yourself when you are not in a relationship. Do you want to be there by yourself? This can add to your pain. This is just one example, but I believe you understand.
